


Happy Endings

by Green



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-25
Updated: 2010-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-12 04:43:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/Green
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Speed dating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Endings

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by chopchica and lim.

"I still can't believe I'm on a date with _The_ Harry Potter!"

If there was one thing in the world he could deal with never hearing, ever again, it was ' _ **The** Harry Potter_ '.

Harry opened his mouth to correct the frothy pink witch, but the words, 'This isn't exactly a date' died on his tongue when she went on.

"When I saw you at the table, I couldn't believe my luck! This is my first time trying this 'speed dating' thing, but the first few people were just _horrible_!" The girl — Portense? Persia? — shuddered. "The first wizard talked of nothing but his broom, and how he wanted me to take a ride with him around the world. I kept _telling_ him I was horribly afraid of heights, but he just went on and on about what a smooth ride ..." She blushed and cut herself off. "I'm sure you don't want to hear about _that_. But I knew when I saw you tonight that it was just _Fate_ ," she simpered.

"Er ..." Where in the hell was Malfoy, anyway?

"Why, I've followed your career for _ages_!" P —arisa? Portia, that was her name! —Portia said. "I have scrapbooks with all your clippings, five big ones, all full! I _heard_ you would be here, through the grapevine. But I thought that was just, you know, Happy Endings," she jerked her head towards the event organizer who pursed her lips and glared back at them, "putting it about. Don't you think she looks like Madam Pince? I didn't think it was _really_ true, but here you are! Wait until Mother hears about this, that I'm dating Harry Potter! She always said I was a little obsessed, and that I was setting myself up for disaster, but look at me now!" Portia had a disturbingly triumphant gleam in her eyes, as if she were on the verge of handing her mother a lacy pink wedding invitation.

PHEEEEEP!! the whistle sounded.

"Nice meeting you," Harry said awkwardly, and barely kept himself from running from the table.

Usually, he would not, in any reality or universe, decide to give speed dating a try. He wasn't here tonight for himself, at least not to meet a stranger. He'd overheard quite clearly that Draco Malfoy would be here tonight, and if anyone was going to win over Malfoy in a round of speed dating, it would be _Harry_ , and that was that.

They'd been tiptoeing around the possibility of getting together for a year now, and so far Harry had been patient. But the idea of Malfoy getting so ... so _desperate_ that he'd subject himself to this type of thing made Harry want to growl, club him over the head, and drag him back to his cave by his hair.

Just as Harry was sitting at the next table, he spotted a flash of brilliant white-blond. His heart played musical chairs with his stomach.

"Harry?"

Wait. That was — that was _Percy Weasley_ sitting at his table, and he couldn't see Malfoy anymore.

***

Draco looked over his shoulder irritably; he'd been certain he'd seen Potter when the whistle sounded, but when he'd passed a particularly burly man and looked again, he'd lost him in the crowd. Now, he was seated in front of a squirrelly man who was trying to tell Draco about the wonderful world of Muggle stamp collecting. The man – who had the bad fortune to be named Mervyn Mugwort – seemed like a decent enough chap, though, so Draco did his best to engage him in conversation by talking about the Muggle collecting the Malfoy family had done in years past.

Mervyn turned a ghastly shade of green and excused himself to go to the 'little wizards room'. This gave Draco an excellent opportunity to look for Potter again. Unfortunately, the event coordinator was giving him her sternest look, giving him flashbacks to Hogwarts and Madam Pince. He sat back down at the table and tried to look around from there, but the view was terrible.

***

"Percy? What are you doing here?" Harry spluttered.

Percy's color was high, the same way Ron's was when Hermione caught him at something he shouldn't have been doing. The red ears especially reminded Harry of Ron. But otherwise, Percy looked calm and cool, sitting bolt upright in his chair, his suit and vest buttoned up and the knot in his tie so tight around his collar it looked ready to strangle him.

"The same as you, I would imagine," Percy said primly. "This is an excellent opportunity to meet someone compatible. Perhaps I shall meet someone similar in temperament to myself, and from here we shall embark on a mutually satisfying—"

"Percy, I thought you were ... seeing someone," Harry said slowly. "A couple of someones, actually."

Percy looked like only the thought of engaging in inappropriate behavior was keeping him from slumping down in misery. "I was. But they have a good relationship between them, and I felt like I was always getting in the way. I concluded they'd be better off without me, actually."

Harry shook his head. "I honestly can't see that. They seemed genuinely happy when you'd agreed to date them, and—"

"I do not wish to speak of it," Percy said shortly. Then, a bit more pleasantly, he asked, "So how is the Auror business these days? I hear you have a new WART 0744?"

"Ugh, don't remind me," Harry said, thinking of the new forms the Aurors had been given for Magical Animal Control requests. "There's about thirty unnecessary new lines to fill out on the first page alone. I have no idea who came up with the idea of a new WART."

Percy smoothed his hand over his tie and the front of his shirt. He didn't look at Harry when he said. "It was _my_ idea, actually. It makes it easier to file the reports for statistical purposes."

PHEEEEEP!!

The whistle reminded Harry that he was here for a purpose, and that purpose was only three tables away and coming closer.

***

When the signal for the end of the round went off, Draco was on his feet and moving before anyone else, searching for Potter. And there he was, sitting with some poncy ginger bloke, whom Draco wanted to shove away. He stamped down on his violent urges and shot a low-level stinging hex at him instead, resulting in a yelp and a quickly vacated chair.

"Potter, _what_ made you think this would be a good way to get a date?" he asked before he ever sat down. "This has got to be the most harebrained, ill-thought mania I've ever heard of."

But Potter wasn't even _listening_ , he was grinning at Draco as if his whole mind was blank. A bit as if he'd taken a recent blow to the head, which, knowing Potter, was entirely possible.

"Hello, Malfoy," the idiot said, still grinning, and Draco had the urge to reach over the table and grab him.

"I'm entirely serious, Potter; _what_ were you thinking?"

" _Mister_ Malfoy," the thin-lipped Pince-alike said over his shoulder. "Get back into place. There is an order to this event, and if you insist on disrupting it you will be banned from Happy Endings entirely."

"I'm terribly sorry, Madam," Draco said in his most sincere tone, "but if you'd just give me a few moments with Potter here—"

"Absolutely _not_ Mr. Malfoy," she said, and the disapproving glare she leveled at him made him feel like a first-year.

"Yes, Madam," he said, more meekly than he would have liked. He turned to see Potter biting his lip but looking as if he was about to burst into full-fledged laughter at any moment.

" _Now_ , Mr. Malfoy," Pince-alike said, and looked at her clipboard. "Your next mini-date is Portia Paddywhack."

Potter winced when he heard the name, and Draco steeled himself for another long, boring eight minutes. As he walked away, Pince-alike was introducing Potter to the large, burly man who'd got in his way earlier. He didn't look like Potter's type at all, so Malfoy told himself not to worry. It would be his turn eventually, and he'd woo and dazzle Potter straight into his bed.

***

"You look like a nice boy," the man told Harry sincerely. He had very kind eyes, which were warm and brown and matched the rest of him. His skin was almost as dark as his robes, as if he spent a good amount of time in the sun.

"Er, thanks, Mr. Benjamin," Harry said, and found himself blushing a little. "You look like a very nice, um, man." He crunched on a crisp to ease his boredom, wondering how Malfoy was making out with Pink Portia.

"You can call me Ben," the other man said, and then leaned over the table and whispered, "Or you can call me Daddy, if you want."

Harry sat back in his chair as far as he could and looked around for the event organizer. "No, no, that's fine, I'll just, um, call you Ben, or something, hey, look at that, the crisps are finished. Excuse me, I'll just go and, er, get some from over there."

***

"And I just _know_ Harry's going to give me a high score," the overly-pink girl gushed. "It's Fate, it just has to be. Do you believe in Fate, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco ground his teeth and slipped his wand slowly from his robes.

PHEEEEP!!

***

"I miss my wife," mourned an extremely slovenly man who went by the name of Big Al. "Her cleaning charms were excellent, always left my robes smelling like springtime. And the food! The woman cooked as good as any house-elf, let me tell you. Then she left, and I've damn near starved to death without her."

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss," Draco bit out.

"You look like a tidy fellow; how're your cleaning charms?"

PHEEEEP!!

***

"And I was all 'Botany For the Win!' and everybody was looking at me like I'd totally flipped my shit, but _dude_ I so totally didn't care!"

"Er?" Alarmed, Harry pressed himself back against his chair.

"O-M-G! You're so cute when you do that! And hearts and hearts and hearts! You're like this adorable little dork, you know?"

"... Marvelous?"

"This is so cool meeting you like this because I'm like totally shy meeting new people, so like if I saw you on the street or something I'd totally not say hi. But this is cool, isn't it? It totally gives us a chance to talk to people we normally wouldn't talk to. It's like this awesome new social networking site, only I-R-L!"

"I'm ... terribly sorry." Harry said, as loudly and clearly as he could manage. "Do you speak English?"

PHEEEEP!!

***

Draco was slowing going insane. His score card had little squiggles and doodles of snakes and Snitches and 'Harry Potter is Satan' written in the margins. He'd taken up talking to himself, mentally, just to get through the eight minutes before the whistle sounded again.

The man in front of him was talking about Snitch production, and his words were zipping in every direction.

 _Gosh_ , Draco said to him silently, _your eyes are remarkably wide set. Like a human rabbit. Is it because you need to see danger approaching from both sides? A human rabbit would be hideous. Wouldn't say no to Jessica Rabbit mind ... Muggles do stumble upon the occasional— Yes, your Animagus form would definitely be a rabbit. One of those ghastly, twitchy little ones with the red eyes. I don't need to be thinking of red eyes, now I'm imagining the Dark Lord as a rabbit. Incredibly evil rabbit with fangs and a taste for Muggle blood. Aaand he's still talking. Yap yap yap yap yap. Rabbiting on even. Zing! Oh well done. Brain, you amuse me._

How can one possibly have so much to say about Snitches?

PHEEEEP!!

***

"Pardon me," the middle-aged woman said to Harry. "I've never done this before. I'm a bit of a virgin." Then she made a strange tittering noise he realized was a laugh. She held her hand to her mouth and looked around. Then she gulped down her wine and set the empty glass back down on the table. "I can't believe I said that, I don't know what came over me. You must think me incredibly vulgar."

"Er, would you like me to fetch you another glass of wine?"

"Oh, yes, will you call over the waiter for me? You're such a lovely boy. Man. You're a lovely man, I didn't mean to insinuate I didn't see you as a grown, sexual being. Oh, Merlin, there I go again. Are you going to finish that?" She reached over and took Harry's glass of firewhisky, then bolted it back.

Harry motioned for the waiter while she tittered again and blushed.

"I'm sorry, it's a nervous hab— hic! Habit."

"It's not a bad laugh," Harry said kindly.

"Oh!" she said, then did it again. "No, no, I mean the drinking. I drink a lot when I'm nervous." She looked around impatiently for the waiter and Harry wondered how many she'd already had.

PHEEEEP!!

***

Intermission was like a gift. Well, the idea of an intermission was a gift, but in actuality was more like being thrown into hell. On all sides, Draco was besieged by wizards and witches, some of whom he'd already met, some he had the pleasure of meeting for the first time. Their eager smiles were a bit disturbing.

"Mr. Malfoy!"

Draco turned around and was nearly blinded by a flutter of pink tulle.

"Portia," Draco said grimly. "How nice to see you again."

"I've just got back from the ladies, is it as noticeable now?"

"No, no, I can barely tell it's there at all," Draco lied, eyeing the flashing gold 'Stalker' on her forehead with smug pride.

"Oh, good! I've no idea who would have done such a thing—"

"Hmm," Draco said, biting his tongue to keep from smirking.

"I'm looking for Harry, have you seen him? He's probably searching for me, as well. Such a romantic, that Harry Potter. Perhaps I'll stand on a chair and call for him, that would give him the chance to—"

Draco grabbed her arm before she could hoist herself up. "Portia, you have to think of your reputation," he hissed, and mentally added, _and the fact that you're standing right next to me and I might die of reflected shame._

"You're right, of course!" Portia said. "Harry's a public figure, I need to be more careful! Oh, my, I'll need to remember all the etiquette lessons Mother taught me, oh dear ..."

"Yes, that's right, think of _Harry_ ," Draco said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, goodness, here he comes!" Pink Portia said, patting her hair in a wild panic.

Draco stood and faced Potter, who was striding forward, looking determined and astoundingly sexy.

"Malfoy," Potter said, grabbing him.

"Oh, no, Harry, he didn't get fresh, I promise!" Portia said, trying to step in between them. Draco snarled at her and looked back at Potter. This was it, he knew it.

"I can't believe I came here," Potter said. "I can't believe I followed you here just to—"

"What do you mean, _you_ followed _me_ here? I'm the one who followed _you_ , and I've spent the night with the most horrendous people, and—"

Portia squeaked.

"—been watching you for months, just waiting for you to give me an opening—"

"—you're such a _prat_ , how much of an opening do you _need_ —"

"—and if you don't kiss me right now, I'm through; I've had it, I can't—Mmph!"

 _And this_ , Draco thought, _is an extremely efficient and rewarding way of getting Potter to shut up_. And then he had trouble thinking, other than _more, closer, more, grab him, mine, yes_ and _finally_.

The E—

Just as Harry and Draco were Disapparating, a man in shabby robes with a determined look on his face, and a woman in Auror uniform with violet hair stomped into the restaurant and straight to Percy. They each stood on a side of him so he couldn't escape, then glared at him in unison.

"So ... I suppose we'll just be going, then?" Percy said stiffly, but his eyes were shining with happiness.

The En—

"Now that I think about it," Portia said to herself, "that Harry Potter wasn't much of a conversationalist. Why, I remember a professor I used to have who had the most charming wit." She rubbed at her itchy forehead. "I wonder what Severus Snape is doing these days?"

THE END.


End file.
